For the past few years I have existed but I wasn't alive. Inside I felt nothing but numbness. I became an expert at faking emotions for the benefit of others. I couldn't cry when I wanted to cry and I couldn't laugh when I wanted to laugh, inside I was dead.

   Three weeks ago, I fell into a very deep depression. I was floating in a sea of nothingness and I clung to my eating disorder like it was a life preserver. In reality my "life preserver" was pulling me further and further into that see of nothingness. I needed a miracle and I needed it now.

   To my surprise, I received my miracle, but not in the tradition sense. I had taken my kids out for lunch and we were walking across the parking lot from the restaurant to the pet store to pick up food for my pet gecko. As we were walking toward Pet Smart, at the end of the shopping center, I noticed LifeWay (the Christian book store). I go to Pet Smart every couple  and I haver never noticed it before. I decided we would go inside and look around a bit.

   I bought my daughter her first Bible. I bought my son a cover for his Bible. For myself, I bought a couple of little books from the bargain rack. On that rack, sitting all by itself was a book by Max Lucado called "Cure for the Common Life." I can't really explain why but I felt I NEEDED to buy this book, so I did.

That night I read the first three chapters of the book and that feeling of dread and uncertainly began to fade away. The next morning, I woke up feeling different. I had all types of energy and just generally felt good. I was feeling emotions that I hadn't felt in ages. I even caught myself smiling for absolutely no reason at all.

   I figured out what was different with me. For the first time in years, I was happy. I was really happy. I felt happy to be alive. I no longer felt that a mere existence was satisfactory. I decided I did want to just exist, I wanted to live. I prayed to God for guidance. "Lord, why have you put me on this Earth? What is my purpose?" I received my answer.

   It is time for me to take a risk. Sure accounting is the logical path for me, I am good with numbers and I excelled in the course work. But, I am not passionate about accounting. A career without passion is just a job. So my revelation is that I need to follow my heart and venture to something that will make me happy. That means that at the age of 31, I am going to be a student again. I have enrolled into a freelance writing course.

   I am very excited about my upcoming adventure. It is something that I have been wanting to do for a long time but I just never had the courage to do so. I don't think that I would have gained the courage if I hadn't read Max Lucado's book. I thank Max for writing the book, but I thank God for leading me in the right direction and for helping me get my life back. 

We love him, because he first loved us.
1 John 4:19

      I am the oldest of two children. My brother is 9 years and 12 days younger than I am. From the day he was born, he was a sick baby. He was in and out of doctors' offices and hospitals for the first 3 months of is life. Even at 9 years old I knew he was really sick and I feared that he might die. However the Lord sent us an angel, Dr. Williams. Dr. Williams was able to diagnose my brother with Pyloric Stenosis. My brother was operated on and has been healthy ever since the operation.

      I don't know if it was because my brother was sick as a baby or simply because he was the baby of the family but my mom has always coddled my brother far more than she did me. I know this is not just in my mind because my aunt seen it as well and I think that is why she and I were so close. She would give me the attention that I was craving that my mother was not giving to me but saving for my younger brother. Don't get me wrong, I hold nothing against my brother. In fact he and I are very close. We don't fight light many siblings do, we are actually very good friends. 

      The problem is that my mother will not let him grow up. He is 22 years old and is still completely dependant on our mother. He rarely works, he doesn't pick up after his self, or do anything for his self. My mother gives him a place to live, pays all the bills, buys all the food, and even buys my brother's cigarettes everyday.

     As for me, I have always been the mature one. I am the one who has always had to stand on my own two feet. If I had a problem I couldn't go to my mom because she just didn't have the time to deal with it. It was like that when I was 16 and it is still like that now I am 31. However, when my brother needs something, she is right there. I have never been in trouble but my brother, on the other hand, is constantly having "legal troubles." Every time he gets into trouble with the law, my mom has someone else to blame besides him. The last time he was arrested she claimed it was his girlfriend's fault. It was his girlfriend's that he broke the law? Really??

      Now here he is, 22 years old and in jail again. He was stopped by the police last night and he had drugs on his person. He was arrested and the car I just sold him, that he hasn't paid for yet, was impounded. When my mom calls me to tell me this, she doesn't say that my brother messed up and got into trouble. She says that he was arrested for possession thanks to Kimberley and Heather because they must have sent him after the drugs.

      My mother absolutely refuses to make him take responsibility for his own actions. She just continues to enforce to him that nothing is his fault. I already know how this is going to play out. I a few hours she will call me again to tell me how much it is going to cost to get my brother out. Then, she is going to expect me to come up with the money. Well, I am sorry mom, but, not this time. I have two kids that I am raising on my own. I can't afford another one. I don't have the time or money to raise a 22 year old child. It is time for the boy to become a man and own up to his own mistakes and take responsibility for his own life.

      I fear for my brother's soul. He has to admit that he did wrong, repent, and ask God for his forgiveness. In my opinion, my mother needs to do the same. I love them both dearly but I just can't do this anymore. I have goals in my life for the first time in a very long time. I am dedicated to improving my relationship with my Lord and focusing on the path that He has chosen for me to follow.  

I was curious to know the actual meaning of thanksgiving. This doesn't require one to search her soul but just a simple search in her American Heritage College Dictionary. This is what I discovered:

Thanksgiving Day - n. 1. The fourth Thursday of November, observed as a legal holiday in the United States to commemorate the feast held at Plymouth in 1621 by the colonist and the Wampanoag people and marked by the giving of thanks to God for harvest and health.
2. The second Monday of October, celebrated in Canada by the giving of thanks to God for harvest and health.

Thanksgiving - n. 1. An act of giving thanks; and expression of gratitude, especially to God: a hymn of thanksgiving.
2. Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving is not supposed to be one of the most stressful days of our lives. It is supposed to be a day reserved for us to give thanks to God for all that he has given us. However, I feel, that it shouldn't be necessary to set aside a day to thank and praise God for all of the gifts he has given us. This is something that we should all remember to do EVERY day not just the fourth Thursday of November each year.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

What I am thankful for:

I am thankful to God for sending his only son, Jesus, to redeem me and all of mankind.
I am thankful for the Lord touching my heart and helping me find the right path. The path that leads me back to him and towards becoming a better Christian and a better person in general.
I am thankful to God for all the gifts he has placed in my life. My most special and most precious gifts are my two children.
I am thankful for God showing me that everything happens for a reason and even though things may seem chaotic and out of control, they are not. I don't have control and I never did, everything is in God's hands, He is in control.
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful to my friends, both those in my real life and my e-friends.
Last but not least, I am thankful for my new church family. Everyone at Faith Baptist Church has been so wonderful to me and my family. It certainly has not gone unnoticed. I appreciate everything that they have done for us. For the first time I walked through those doors the church has made my family and I feel so welcome. I never felt like a visitor. Even during our first visit, we felt as we had been attending for years.